Woman and Sex – Are You Honouring Your Body?
Next year I turn 40.
In 2015 I had my first experience of ‘in love’ feelings with a man I dated for 3 months. Before I met this man I had not had physical intimacy in 10 years, yes 10 years!
For a woman it is probably easier than for a man, but I chose this time-out and I know that I needed that time to get to know myself better. As the years went on I would occasionally get pangs of wanting to be held and touched by a
man again, but it soon drifted away until my root chakra was awakened for the first time in early 2015.
This power was surging through my body. My kundalini had awakened; it was on the move for the first time in a very long time. I learned to enjoy walking and having my hips sway. I started wearing higher heels for the first time. I felt sensual and sexual for the first time and then I met this man for whom I must have looked like a good catch – an intimacy starved woman.
While I am incredibly grateful for the love I felt in my heart, the pure love from my soul for his soul, I realise I was not
in love with his personality, which on looking back was pretty unpleasant and disrespectful to women.
While I felt grateful for the love opening, the initial sensual connections, I have sad feelings I am processing right now because I realise that I allowed this man to totally disrespect me. I told him about my sexual anxieties to do with my past, but instead of empathy he used them to put me down and tried to encourage me to do things I did not feel comfortable with. He had no respect for me as a woman.In the eyes of ‘in love’ I tried my best to ignore the warning signals when in this relationship.
I was extremely naïve because my body just craved human romantic connection again and my ego did not want to let it go.I allowed him to toss me about like a sex doll when it was clear that he was playing a game, probably learned from porn movies.
I allowed him to have sex with me for longer than my body could tolerate because I still had the old hang-ups of wanting to please men. I allowed him to disrespect me and so by default I disrespected me and my body.
I allowed myself to go down the route of having a contraceptive copper coil fitted after an ‘accident’, when my whole body was screaming that this was not for me. I did not listen to my body. I listened to those around me telling me it was the best option at the time. I did not listen.
I did not honour my body.
And when I was told I had problems with my cervix I went for a colposcopy and he, my boyfriend, did not even honour me enough to come with me. He felt he wanted nothing to do with ‘it’. I was stupid and naïve. I ignored the signs, the huge flashing neon signs that this guy was a narcissistic creep who only wanted sex dolls not real women.
And during this traumatic time of my life, when I discovered I had CIN3 on my cervix and needed to go for an operation, he responded to me in dramatic ways that caused intense stress at a time when I needed support not drama. And so I ended the relationship.
I cried uncontrollably for a whole week and this was just before my operation.
And on the evening a few days after the operation when I nearly bled to death and was rushed into theatre, he turned up at my healing circle to prove a point that he could go wherever he wanted, even if I did not want to see him again and I felt numb to the grief and pain of seeing him.
I did not honour my body.
I forgot to honour my body.
And so later this year I had a smear test and was told that I had ‘high risk’ Human Papilloma Virus, almost certainly transmitted by this man. This is a serious STD that could cause me big problems. I feel the hurt all over again. Not hurt because of the loss of this man, but hurt because of anger and sadness and disappointment that I had dishonoured my body by allowing this man inside me, when I did not read the flashing neon signs that were
telling me that he was not a good man.
And so in 2016 I will be having another colposcopy.
This Is A Healing Journey
This may sound very different to my usual posts.
It may seem dark and dismal, but it is not.
This is a healing journey.
I have questions. I am opening to clarity and I am bathing myself in self-support and nurturing.
I want to share this message so that any woman, young or old, can read it and question their own relationships with both their bodies and with men.
Ask yourself if you are in the full throw of ‘in love’ feelings, are you ignoring signals that partner is disrespecting you? Is your body being honoured?
Are you honouring your body by only allowing honourable and respectful men inside you?
Are you doing anything you would rather not be doing just because you feel the need to please men?
These are questions we women need to ask and talk about.
So what now?
I always felt I was preparing myself for the right man, the man who will be perfect for me in every single way. Not the
perfect man, but perfect for my soul growth; a man who respects me, honours me, loves me passionately and unconditionally and who grows alongside me as a human being. Two parts coming together for ‘relationship’.
I always have known I am preparing myself for this man and he for me, but I have fears now. Fears about sexuality, fears about STDs, hoping my body will heal and release this toxic energy that I allowed into my body through dishonouring it through toxic man.
So I have lots to unravel, make peace with and love through my mindfulness, but I wanted to share this with you all.
This is and was a tough post to write and I hope you can relate as a woman and also as conscious loving men who may be reading this too.
I know there are good and not so good characteristics in both sexes, as there are in each and every one of us.
I choose to respect and honour my whole self now.