Embarrassment and shame can lie beneath who we are and how we behave in the world. As I approach a milestone birthday this year, I’ve had to face the daunting reality of starting over at 50. Shame can make us feel we are not worthy of better, or it can make us believe that we are not good enough to exist even at times. My own shame and embarrassment has been buried from the public eye for a long time, but it pervades all that I have done up until now. I remember watching someone talk a little while back about how those things we least want to share with the world are the exact thing we need to share about ourselves. This resonated a lot, but some things felt too hard to share until now.
Sometimes what we bury buries us, and until we bring it into the light of day it affects our outlook on life, it affects our choices we make and it affects the relationships we have. I know a part of me has found it hard to talk about my own brand of shame because I want my path that unfolds to not be tainted or sabotaged by this, but truth does not sabotage, it merely reveals where something is hidden and why it is important to free ourselves from carrying it.
The “Dirty Laundry” Culture: Why We Hide Our Struggles
In the UK, a big saying is ‘don’t air your dirty laundry in public’, but I feel this has been detrimental for many people because it is what is beneath us that can fuel our limitation and restrict us mentally, emotionally and physically. My shame may not even appear to be something to be ashamed about, but this doesn’t take away from the energy I have exuded to prevent people from seeing it and seeing me.
My shame comes from not finding life easy to manage and struggling, which has felt like most of my life so far, to be self-sufficient and to make things work. This shame breeds envy in me, it breeds resentment, it breeds judgement of others, because I have not been able to embrace this shame and give it a face externally, it has drowned me internally leading to depression, anxiety and a big dose of ‘I’m not good enough’.
This is why I have been working in the mental health and wellness field for the past 17 plus years on my blog and podcast. It is why I wrote ‘When Everyone Shines But You’, which was an inspired piece of creative writing born from the depths of my own depression to help others who felt they couldn’t find their own light.
When “Following Your Passion” Feels Like Failure
I turn 50 this year, and for the past 20 plus years I have been trying to make things work for myself. I have tried to follow my bliss and follow my passion, yet I have found myself failing at working for others because it simply isn’t in my nature. I have tried self-employment in many different areas, not realising until this past year that my soul had chosen to hide my own power, my own skills, and my own talents from myself. No matter what I did, it felt time-limited, as if my own essence was being stopped time and time again.
I feel shame that I have not been able to make things work in the way society expects. That financially I haven’t been able to manage bills and have had terrifying concerns about keeping a roof over my head, which has happened a lot over the past 3 years. I have shame that I have had to get help from the Government and from my partner who passed, and shame that after multiple losses I had to use part of my inheritance to merely live and survive. I feel angry I didn’t get to enjoy an inheritance in my life, and this is the second time it has happened.
At 50 you think you should be thriving, knowing who you are and where you are meant to be. I watch others thrive, who find all of this so easy, but I understand now that their negative inner programming was not the same. If we have been raised to believe to fail was actually something a parent preferred to make them feel more secure in themselves, then succeeding can feel like a withdrawal of love.
I was fired from a job last year, a role I took while I had the flu, just three weeks after my mother died unexpectedly and I was being pushed to move out of her house in the middle of massive grief. When I brought up safety issues at that job, I was promptly fired a week later. I then moved 3 more times in a matter of months due to toxicity and instability.
How to Feel Safe Being Yourself Again
I am closing this chapter of my life where struggle was my middle name to venture forward into new areas. On the 18th of January, I released my new book, ‘Slippers in the Attic’, which is a guidebook for grief born from these broken open experiences. I fear sharing my shame of not having my sh*t together will sabotage my next steps, but I write to infuse these next steps with realism, reality, and clarity. What we feel shame for may be the earth we plant our seeds of new beginnings on. I am moving into a new chapter now. It’s scary, and it’s unfurling slowly, but I am working at feeling safe to be me.
Do you feel safe to be you? Or are you also hiding beneath the weight of what you think you ‘should’ be at this age?
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Kelly Martin is a dedicated mental health writer and blogger who fearlessly explores life’s deepest questions. Faced with a decade of profound anxiety and grief following the loss of her father and her best friend Michael, Kelly embarked on a transformative journey guided by mindfulness, and she hasn’t looked back since. Through her insightful writing, engaging podcasts, and inspiring You Tube channel Kelly empowers others to unearth the hidden treasures within their pain, embracing the profound truth that they are ‘enough’ exactly as they are.
