Love. It’s in every person, accessible to all, experienced by all, but for the purpose of this post I am going to discuss the love between lovers or partners.
I hold my hand up and say I had never experienced love like this until recently. I am 39 this week and while some may experience this type of love early on, I was not one of these. I also feel that love shows up when we are ready.
They say we must love ourselves before we can love another or be loved by another, but I also feel if we are on the path of self-love, not quite there fully, but have begun, we can bring in a lover who brings out our strengths. This lover can ignite a new ability to love not only ourselves better but the ‘other’ also.
Love seems to call when we are not looking or rather we have given up or are just gently putting a request out to be more loving in life. I simply had put the request out to love more, I wanted to use my heart more and I wanted someone to share my life with and to play and have fun with. I had not considered it any further than that.
Love can come as a complete surprise. And much like a tree spreads its roots, it is rooted in the present moment, it grows, spreads and expands, not super fast, but gradually. Often it comes as such a surprise we may not even know it is taking place until suddenly we can’t help but feel it and the words trickle out of our mouths ‘I love you’.
What’s The Difference Between Infatuation And Love?
Infatuation
- Infatuation leads to sleepless nights. So many hormones and chemicals flooding through us.
- Infatuation can cause over-eating or eating less.
- Infatuation can make you so distracted you cannot concentrate on every day tasks.
- Infatuation brings so many emotions to the forefront.
- Infatuation can make us blind to any flaws in the other person that may not be good for us.
- Infatuation makes us ignore friends and family who may view the other person as bad for us and so we may make decisions that are not healthy (like staying in a toxic relationship when another person is controlling or abusive).
- Infatuation feels like a high, a drug.
- Infatuation makes you see the other person how you want to see them, not how they actually are.
LOVE
- Love grows.
- Love flows.
- Love occurs after infatuation has ended. If the person is right for you, you will see the other person’s ‘flaws’ once the rose coloured spectacles have come off and you will want to know more; want to explore this other person regardless of any perceived ‘flaws’ you may see.
- Love comes from within, so the man or woman you are with mirrors your level of self love. Not many of us love ourselves totally so if you are blessed to be with a partner who shines a light on your beauty and brings out the childlike you, you can be sure you are on the road of self love.
- Love means we can be without them, yes we may miss them, but our life does not come to a halt.
- Love loves even when things may get difficult in a relationship. We choose to stay and work through things when things feel tough instead of walking away.
- Love makes us focus on the positive in the other person and love makes us want to be a whole person, not half a person.
- Love makes us feel inspired.
- Love cares and wants to support the other person when they are going through difficulties.
- Love wants the best for the other person. So if they get good news we are pleased for them.
- Love is limitless.
- Love grows expands and deepens and is always within everyone one of us. A relationship shines a light and heals us through that love.
- Love is in the present moment.
- Love does not always show up in the package we have imagined it to, love can often come in a surprising package (looks different to our usual type or is a person younger or much older than we are or is of a different sex).
- Love goes beyond the physical form. As age changes our appearance love continues to love, it is far deeper than the body.
“Love is a feeling. Feelings are the most common way that people learn about and experience love. When it is truly love, you will feel good about yourself when you’re with and without him. As a result, you will also feel good about him. Since you’re only human, sometimes you may not feel so good about yourself or him. This doesn’t mean it’s not love. It just means that things are ebbing, and change and growth are taking place.”
| Love is being naked together, right down to your Soul. Not caring what others think or how your love is exposed. When you love each other, when you’re truly in love, nothing else matters. M.C |
Attachment and Bondage
I used to be very attached to partners in the past, this was because I made who they were my self worth. If they loved me, I was lovable. If they were mean to me, I was not lovable. They became the cake of my life not the icing accenting the beauty I was.
Attachment is a hard thing to let go of. When love calls it can be hard to detach from the other person, so sometimes we need to simply trust love and let it unfold, and let the relationship unfold. Real relationships help each individual grow. The love is not restricting or limiting, the love shines a light and you can push one another’s buttons, but this button pushing does not turn into blame or projecting. Instead, you take a step back and look to see what is taking place, what are the buttons being pushed showing you?
A great healer friend of mine said something very wise to me this week, he said that relationships are not about the love or the intimacy, but the mirrors. Relationships are the best way we can show ourselves what we may have been missing when alone.
Yes, they can show us our fears, or traits that may be holding us back, but they can also show us our beauty, our joy and our freedom from within.
Love Can Feel Risky
When we are really feeling love and are ‘in love’ with another person, it can feel very scary to the ego. The ego wants certainty, the ego wants security, the ego wants to know what is going to happen a few months or years down the line, so it is scary to open the heart and risk change taking place within relationships, but sometimes, well always, we need to risk love, because to love is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and another.
Many of us have been plagued with earlier relationships where we were rejected or were abandoned, we felt like our hearts broke open, but often these relationships were based on being in love with the idea of love, not love itself. Love itself would feel the pain of loss, but would want the other person to be happy no matter what, as scary as this uncertain path can be.
I find love scary because my mind does not like this ‘out of control’ feeling, where love pours through me. As I have had a lot of loss in my life and most change in my life has been painful and involved loss, to love feels scary.
However, I choose to love. The joy and fulfilment from spending time with another and having fun, playing, making love and even the challenges that take place are so vivid, are so life bringing, I would rather have a year of this than living a life in the risk free zone, where my heart is not used, where life feels beige and my emotional landscape is as flat as the Netherlands.
To love is to feel, to feel is to be, to be is life!
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Kelly Martin, author of ‘When Everyone Shines But You’ is a dedicated writer and blogger who fearlessly explores life’s deepest questions. Faced with a decade of profound anxiety and grief following the loss of her father and her best friend Michael, Kelly embarked on a transformative journey guided by mindfulness, and she hasn’t looked back since. Through her insightful writing, engaging podcasts, and inspiring You Tube channel Kelly empowers others to unearth the hidden treasures within their pain, embracing the profound truth that they are ‘enough’ exactly as they are.
