From Broken Heart to Whole Heart
Previous heartbreak occurred 15+ years ago because I had consciously chosen to be single for some time. In many ways I needed such a long time to re-build myself, awaken to my truth and to grieve the loss of my father.
So when life gave me the opportunity for physical intimacy, even though the guy in question was not really my ‘perfect’ fit, whatever that means in the terms of the present moment, he was my perfect ‘now’ guy and I gained a lot from being with him.
The knowledge and experience I opened up to during and after were very unexpected. I learned how much I had missed physical touch. I learned how much more I was in tune with myself and my body, which made intimacy more fulfilling than in my past, but I also learned that he was not the man for me because I deserve a man who wants the whole of me, not only a part of me.
Seven days with no respite from tears and looking back I can see I was not crying for the loss of my ex, but the loss of ‘what could have been’ if things had been different. I was crying for the loss of connection and company.
My tears were so healing, my tears were freedom tears. I gave myself the freedom to grieve fully so now I feel more whole, more grounded and completely open in my heart.
For many women (or men) a challenging relationship can make them shut down and close their hearts and give up on ever being with another person in that way, withdrawing from the possibility of union with another, but I made the conscious choice to not only feel the pain of the letting go, but also the memory of what love felt like in my heart.
My heart loved! It felt amazing. Why would I close myself off from feeling that? I would rather risk loss, rejection and fear for that feeling of connection and love.
Instead of closing myself off from love and further union I feel open, excited, energised, ready for my next adventure into relationship – at the perfect time. I’m open to sharing my world with another man.
Would I do this differently? Yes. I would enjoy friendship before sex because I now realise the hormones that linger inside a woman after love-making can last up to 2 weeks so sometimes we don’t see clearly during that time. I would like to get to know a man, his core, his fears, his joys and take my time to unwrap him slowly now.
My heartbreak was an amazing gift and it encouraged me to accept who I am and still encourages me back into my heart. Prior to my previous relationship I could never have said ‘I love you’ to myself and meant it, but now I am able to and it feels beautiful.