Everything changes, but beneath all of that change is an awareness which never changes.
I have been consciously a spiritual ‘seeker’ for over 14 years now and I have begun to reach the point of no more seeking. The ego, the mind, is in a state of flux about this admittedly, but I am trusting that asking those big life questions is going to throw a spanner in the works of the story of who I ‘think’ I am. It actually feels that there’s a vice-like grip trying to hold on to the story.
Yet the fight with this truth seems to be big in the beginning.
And who is the fight with? Is it the story fighting itself?
It’s funny. On the spiritual journey we think we are moving towards happiness, yet by pursuing this idea, we are also turning away from un-happiness, yet both are an aspect of ‘The Law Of Changing Conditions’*, we can’t experience one without the other.
Let me give you an idea what I mean.
My life, like many other people’s, has been full of a sense of suffering, from the intense fear of anxiety, to the intense dismay of feeling a complete and utter failure at this game called life.
Fun has not been a common experience In my life journey so far, confidence has been low, self-pity has been high. I listened and believed this ‘story of Kelly’ for a very long time and wondered why in my late thirties, I seemed to be lagging behind many people in terms of outer success, relationship success, financial success, career success and so on. Believing that story really takes its toll.
But, for the past 2 years, something has begun to shift. I am beginning to see a bigger purpose to all of my ‘perceived’ suffering.
Reaching The End Of The Road
When your life brings you experiences that cause the story of failure to play over and over again, you reach the end of the road in terms of seeking.
You begin to ask ‘So my outside world seems to be a complete and utter mess. Is this who I am? Am I that mess?‘.
And you can spend another decade believing the thoughts ‘I am my body, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions’.
Or you can begin to ask ‘WHO am I? Is this really who I am?’.
And you will begin to become aware that throughout life your emotional landscape is always changing, your body changes form, your relationships with others change, your financial status changes, you may move house, you may leave jobs, you may let go of friends and make new ones. You will become aware that everything changes.
The sky clouds over; it rains; the sky becomes clear; the sun comes out; people are born, people die.
Is this who you ‘think’ you are? Are you all that changing flow? Or beyond all that, this constant, unchanging awareness that is always present, experiencing the changing flow of life?
This awareness does not judge, does not see the sun coming out as good or the rain as bad. This awareness does not see your cat or dog dying as good or bad. So are YOU the suffering, the conditions of your life, or are you so much more?
The Law Of Changing Conditions is the story of your life. You can play within that story, or you can become aware that you are more than that story.
My own suffering has led me to these questions, to experience empathy, compassion, love and acceptance, to awaken to who I really am.
*’The Law Of Changing Conditions’ was mentioned in Gangaji’s book ‘Diamond In Your Pocket’ – I think it’s inspired by Gangaji but I liked the idea, hence this post.