I have missed blogging here but it just hasn’t felt good for me to write my thoughts down publicly this past month and a bit. Lots has been going on, inside me.
A quick round up of the ‘stuff’.
- Acknowledged some deep childhood issues and making peace with the women in my life.
- Allowing myself to re-connect with close family.
- Letting the woman in me connect with other women.
- Delved into Goddess spirituality and myself as a Goddess.
So the meaning of the title of this blog post reveals my current internal state.
I went from allowing my life to unfold to trying to catch up and run a marathon with people I perceived were doing far better than me in life. I went and I am still recovering from a deep case of the ‘Comparing Crap’.
It has been nearly a year since I left my last job and while I have experienced solitude, embraced it: experienced loneliness, embraced that: Now it’s time to embrace the feeling of LOST.
I read an article online recently about prosperity consciousness and how a woman who hit rock bottom, ended up living a rusty holey caravan and had pretty much nothing. She spoke about how she had nothing left to give, nothing left to try – to ‘make’ her life work, to make prosperity come into her life. So she saw that she had been running from poverty consciousness. Almost as if she ran fast enough, did enough affirmations, positive thinking, efforting through life, she could escape poverty – the feelings of poverty, primarily inwardly.
And so she imagined poverty as a child outside of herself and realised she could not run away anymore. To try and stave off poverty or lack feelings just brings more lack and poverty into focus. So she faced it and embraced it and her life changed.
I relate to this so much.
I am 35 in earth years and I have been ‘trying’ to:
- Increase my self esteem and feel better about who I am.
- Open my money/ prosperity door.
- Get myself a purpose/talent/reason for me being here on this planet.
All absolutely fruitless, all have led me in a circle back to here, NOW. Again.
I realised I have been feeling hurried and rushed as if my earthly age means I must play catch up with all the younger or same age people as me with regards to what they are doing in life. I did the comparing crap and saw so many people moving forward in the direction of their dreams. I saw so many people on the career path and most of all I saw sooo many people KNOWING the DIRECTION they want to go in.
And I just tried, tried, and tried some more to do anything and everything I could to discover what my passion was in life. And I came upon wall after wall after wall.
So much so this week I dreamt I was in a department store and whole bunch of people (including me) were trying to get to the next room, or way out, and these glass walls kept coming down. They were like one of the gameshows on TV with obstacle courses. All of us could see through the glass where we wanted to be and the most revealing part of it was we stood in a line near the glass door and I found myself in racing pose, as if my foot was on the starting block waiting for the wall to go up and run as fast as I could forward. And frustratingly in the dream another wall came down just as quick.
I was told in a dream that I musn’t try and run away from the feelings of feeling lost in life, that embracing LOST has something to teach me. It may seem a dark cavenous place, but in that dark is discovery and understanding.
So right now I am having to remind myself – it’s okay to be lost.
It’s okay to not know where I’m heading.
It’s okay that I don’t know what my passions are (my deep passions).
It’s okay to embrace poverty consciousness and to not fear it and to not try to flee the feeling.
No amount of Law of Attraction, positive thinking is going to make that shift for me. In fact the very ‘trying’ to feel better and feel in a prosperous place is becoming detrimental to my own balance.
I am in recovery of ongoing stress and allowing the freedom of BEING LOST.
It’s okay to not know. I am not a failure because I have not discovered who I am or what I am here to do. I don’t need to be of service to the world. I understand this but the need to have something to get my teeth into, something that really stirs my soul, has been causing me a lot of problems.
I am letting myself understand I AM ENOUGH exactly as I am, right now. BUT, I am no longer going to ‘try’ and feel enough anymore. I cannot think my way through this process.
I cannot see the way forward or a brighter future.
Because I am not in that place right now.
And it is okay.
It is okay to be present with BEING LOST.
I guess I have been feeling so afraid to stop and let myself say :
“FUCK! I have no idea how I am going to (get money door open, go travelling, discover my passions, feel better about who I am) make things happen for me”.
To acknowledge to the world this LOST place I am in right now.
I cannot be LOST without the ability to find myself again.