Is the Feeling of ‘Not Good Enough’ Ruining Your Life?

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EPISODE 87 – PODCAST TRANSCRIPT

Hi there, welcome back to Kelly Martin Speaks. I’m your host Kelly Martin and this is episode 87.

Well, I am feeling a lot better than I was in the last episode. I have been self-isolating for nearly 2 weeks when this podcast goes out, not because of Coronavirus, but more because of an intensive viral infection that has been slow moving in my system.

I should be less croaky sounding, hopefully.

So, this week I wanted to talk about something that really hit home for me after I received some wisdom and guidance via a gentleman called Christopher Sell from ‘Heaven on Earth’. I had a Skype call with him on Monday the 2nd and in-between coughing, blowing my nose and crying, I received some deep understanding about myself, where I am in life, what is holding me back and so much more, too much to go into in one podcast episode.

It was such a deeply moving interaction that certain words that were used just really hit me in my heart. One of the messages was that a part of me feels it ought to be someone else, that still, a big part of me, not only feels I am not good enough, but would just rather be someone else.

When I repeat that sentence in my mind, I can literally feel it resonate with the inner child that is apparently trapped in a dungeon inside of me, who feels she deserves nothing good whatsoever. She barely believes she should live, never mind thrive.

And I thought to myself, how many other people feel this way? How many listening or reading this transcript feel not only ‘not good enough’ but really feel, ‘I ought to be someone else’?

Hard isn’t it? To recognise this and acknowledge it, but to be honest, if you have this deep feeling inside, it’s good that you recognise it, it’s good that I am aware of this now, because if we do not become aware of something that is unconsciously ruling or harming our lives and our ability to live an abundant life, we can’t do anything about it.

We can only allow changes to the level that we’re ready for those changes to happen and I feel that when we become aware of something as significant as this, it’s time for a tide turning or a new chapter to begin in our lives.

The Inner Child Is in a Dungeon

inner child dark eyes

For me, the child within is trapped in the deepest dungeon, as I was told, accepting only mouldy bread and stale water through the tiny hole in the door. In the cell she’s in, there is a small crack where light comes in, which only reminds her of what she’s lacking and this is how I have felt in my life for a very long time, but I have unravelled, unearthed, peeled back many layers to get to this place now where I am ready to face this part of me deep down in the martyr complex of my being.

There has also been the extra layer of ‘If I am suffering, I’m safe’ which I am sure will be the subject of another blog post or podcast episode.

There are many people in the world who may have been taught that they are deserving and worthy of great or good things in their lives, but equally so, there are many who were taught that they deserve little to nothing good, with the word good being whatever personal preference that would mean to you.

Many of us may equate success or failure in different ways. I told Christopher about my shame about not being able to support myself properly and so my definition of success has been being able to support myself and at the same time being of service too. He reminded me that as I help that inner child out from the dungeon, that the Universe is supporting me and I am doing a lot of service, even if my ego-mind equates not being able to support myself in a shaming way.

I think that sometimes we have a story and people say ‘Oh just tell yourself a new story, be positive’ but if we have a failure story, or a loneliness story, an abuse story or a shame story, it’s not as simple as ‘Just think positive’. If you are listening or reading this, no doubt you want to change your story, you want to write a new chapter and I am with you on this. You are not alone.

I think in creating a new story, we need to first discover if there is a part of us that is protecting us, but equally makes us feel in deep pain, that needs help in transforming its experience. So, for me it is discovering that I have another inner child that is in a dark dungeon and it my job (conscious Kelly) to go down into that dungeon and break her out. And this doesn’t mean I go down with dynamite and blow away the walls, because that could hurt her, it could be too sudden, so I am beginning by meeting this part of me and finding gentle and loving ways to remove the walls and open the door.

Your inner child may be in a different place, your inner child may be lost in the desert or drowning in the ocean…it will be personal to you, but you have the power and the love to begin this story of change by acknowledging the truth and reality of what an unconscious part of you has been feeling and in many ways governing how you live your life.

Success or Failure? It Doesn’t Exist

woman contemplating

Being reminded this week, that success or failure doesn’t really exist beyond this earth plane, what we think of as success, be it money, fame, relationships, becoming a parent etc etc… may be very different outside this reality.

I was reminded through a story of a gentlemen who ran a successful business and thought he was a success. When he crossed over and was given a life review, he discovered that his greatest success, if we are to define it this way, was when he came across a woman who was crying at a bus stop. He stopped and asked her if she was okay and soothed and comforted her. He was told that that was what he had chosen to come to Earth for, to learn kindness. Instead his business success often did the opposite. So, what we define as success in our human minds, may be very different without the shell of this human vessel we live in.

I burst into tears when I was told that on my life review, I will be surprised by people coming up to me, taking my hand and thanking me for saving their lives. And I have tears saying this now because that child in the dungeon has been feeling she just hasn’t been enough for so long and thinks she ought to be someone else, not me.

I am starting to view the reality of my life situation now through new eyes, because I needed to meet and understand the dark of me before I could accept the light of me.

Our glass ceilings and walls need to be removed; those doors need opening, but to do so we need moment by moment to recognise our value, not based on the common conventional messages we are spoon-fed by society, mainstream media and even our family and friends. We need to find our own way and to see that who we are is of worth, who we are is of value and to begin to see that what we have done in our lives is enough.

For me I always felt that because things I have done had not worked out, or progressed further (for example the mental health radio station), that it meant I had failed in some way, but as I was reminded this week, I gave it a go! I had the courage to do something new, something nobody had thought was possible.

Perhaps it had not continued and was not meant to, but the success was in the taking the leap, regardless of the outcome.

This is my lesson to learn and I hope that you discover your own when considering the message I’ve shared here today.

We are here to be who we are, nobody else.

You matter.

You are enough.

You are not here to be someone else.

There is no-one here on planet earth who matches your qualities, your character, your dreams, your heart or your light.

Much love to you all

Thanks for listening to this episode of Kelly Martin Speaks

If you have a question or topic you are struggling with and would like me to answer on an upcoming podcast episode, please get in touch. Your name will be confidential. EMAIL me at kellymartinspeaks@gmail.com or message me on Facebook via my page Kelly Martin Speaks.

And don’t forget, if you feel that others are passing you by and ‘The Not Good Enough’ voice is screaming loudly, pop by kellymartin.co.uk to find out all about my books, including Book 1 ‘When Everyone Shines but You’

You can also support my channel via my podcast page on my website kellymartinspeaks.co.uk via Paypal or buy me a coffee via ko-fi.

Until next time…bye for now

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Kelly Martin

Kelly Martin is the author of ‘When Everyone Shines But You’ , a passionate writer and blogger questioning life’s illusions. After what seemed like a decade of intense anxiety, feelings of failure and grief from the loss of her father she chose to take a mindfulness path and has not looked back since. Kelly encourages people to find the treasures that lie within the pain and suffering and to learn to see themselves as ‘enough’ exactly as they are, right now through her writing and You Tube channel .

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