EPISODE 83 – PODCAST TRANSCRIPT
Hi there, welcome back to Kelly Martin Speaks. I’m your host Kelly Martin and this is episode 83.
This week I am going to talk about passion and wanting, and how do we find our lost passions?
Okay, so my passion has been null and void probably since June 2019 when I made the decision to close the mental health radio station I fundraised for due to a lack of human resources. Before launching the station, I was full of passion, very enthusiastic and excited. As it started I still felt passion, but unfortunately due to being only one person, the growth of the station and the activities needed to fulfil its goal were too much for one person. And as I was doing it voluntarily to begin with, I had to let it go. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I have made in a long time and closing it down really affected my own mental health, ironically.
I went through a rather lengthy spiritual void, which could also be labelled a deep depressive episode, but I prefer to relabel it in a more transformative way. It has been very hard because after what felt like two decades of trying different things and passions in my life, I thought I had found my North Star. Alas I had not, but it left a gaping hole inside where passion used to be for life, for ideas, for dreams and ideals.
After becoming more introspective and looking at the secondary benefits of my life not changing or not succeeding based on my past definition of success, I came to a wall with regard to understanding, and I really was clueless as to how to reclaim my passion, what to be passionate about and how to be in life.
Now this week I went for a chiropractic treatment and you know how sometimes life brings you answers in the most unusual of places? Well after the treatment my chiropractor was talking about an event he was holding at the place I go to for my treatment. It was leading to a longer workshop and course in another city. He was sharing how this organisation had helped him, but one thing that struck me hard between the eyes was his short little story of why it had helped him.
‘I was looking to buy my first house and I was feeling really stuck and nothing was happening, but after going to this event, I realised I didn’t want to buy a new house and by accepting this, suddenly the resistance fell away and I bought a new house’
He may not have realised how triggering his story was for me, so I walked home and really pondered this. I began to realise, secondary benefits or not, that my own wants in life I have not truly wanted. Why? Because if I had 100% wanted those things, experiences etc etc.. I would have committed fully and followed through on inspiration. I would have moved heaven and earth to make them happen, or rather allow them to happen through the steps I took.
Now what does this have to do with passion you might ask?
Well I realised my wanting was only half wanting. I was half in and half out, and because of previous life experiences I had not fully allowed myself to want or commit to anything, because I believed that there was no point, nothing would come of it. I published my books. I did not become a best-selling author, but in all honesty, I published my books and stopped putting love into them. I hardly marketed them, and I am a writer and I hardly write apart from my blog. SO I was clearly not as committed or wanting of these things as I first thought.
Acceptance – I Don’t Want What I Think I Want
I also asked myself, do I really want to heal and be well to support myself? Do I really want my own home in the countryside? Do I really want new friends and a social life? If I honestly answer these things, a part of me does not, otherwise I would have done what it takes to make it happen.
At the moment I am reading a book by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author who also wrote Eat, Pray, Love. The book is called BIG MAGIC. And she is helping me remember how much being creative and having passion means when we are inspired by an idea to do something new. We follow through. If we leave it alone, don’t tend to it or nurture it, it disappears and so goes the passion. I guess I have done this so many times that my creative side has just decided… ‘Hmmm.. well, no point feeling enthusiastic about that, it will never work’ The inner doubts got louder the more I saw those things I was passionate about fall by the wayside, albeit if I am honest I allowed them to fall, instead of nurturing them as I should have or being committed enough to make them work.
With Peace Within Radio, I could have found another way, I am sure, if my commitment had been stronger, if my wanting had been 100% instead of half in half out. But it didn’t happen and there could be something in it that was not meant to happen, that it was simply a stepping stone in life towards something else, but it also could be the fact that my passion was not enough anymore and when the work got really hard, I did not allow myself an opening to find a solution.
As Elizabeth Gilbert said in BIG MAGIC:
“I think a lot of people quit pursuing creative lives because they’re scared of the word interesting. My favorite meditation teacher, Pema Chödrön, once said that the biggest problem she sees with people’s meditation practice is that they quit just when things are starting to get interesting. Which is to say, they quit as soon as things aren’t easy anymore, as soon as it gets painful, or boring, or agitating. They quit as soon as they see something in their minds that scares them or hurts them. So they miss the good part, the wild part, the transformative part—the part when you push past the difficulty and enter into some raw new unexplored universe within yourself. And maybe it’s like that with every important aspect of your life. Whatever it is you are pursuing, whatever it is you are seeking, whatever it is you are creating, be careful not to quit too soon. As my friend Pastor Rob Bell warns: “Don’t rush through the experiences and circumstances that have the most capacity to transform you.” Don’t let go of your courage the moment things stop being easy or rewarding. Because that moment? That’s the moment when interesting begins.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert
Nurture Your Ideas
So how do we find our lost passion again? Are there steps to take. Well I am not going to bore you with a long list of steps, because I think sometimes goal-setting and passion-steps can be a bit obvious and when you are depressed or in the void, the idea of doing any of these things may feel ridiculous and impossible.
I am going to reclaim my passion again. I can’t guarantee it will work for you, but we must start somewhere mustn’t we?
As per Elizabeth’s sharing in the book, I am going to clear my space first. My office. So, if you wanted to find your passion in terms of business or art, first of all clear the space you intend to use to create.
If you want to find your lost passion in a relationship, you may want to clear the space of your bedroom, your dining room, the places where you would have had romance or intimacy before.
I then intend to give myself four things to do that I’ve been saying I want to do for a long time. These could even be old passions or projects that took a detour.
For me, I had a business idea prior to starting the radio station, but when the station idea came my other idea which was really heartfelt and inspired took a backseat, so that is one my things to look at. I am also looking at what I am good at, which is writing. I have written two books, but I have not given them the love, so I want to put the love into those books and write another book. I also want to make audio books from my books, so that’s number 3 and lastly, I want to take care of my blog more and put more love into that.
I think the key is paying attention. Looking at what we have withdrawn from and putting the love back in, in some way. If we think of our lost passions as children that we have abandoned, knowing that if we leave children alone for a long time, they grow withdrawn, the only thing that can bring them out of that is loving tenderness and care. And also, establishing boundaries and committing to them.
We need to discipline ourselves to take care of these children and that means committing to a daily practice of creativity, even if you think what you are doing is shit, you just do it one hour a day or less. I did this when I wrote books 1 and 2. It worked, even on days when I did not want to write I let the inner muse flow regardless.
And with boundaries, we need to have boundaries towards the fears. To not let the fear of failing or succeeding stop us from committing to our practice. This is all I will be doing for now. But they feel to me to be important steps.
I will leave you with a letter from Elizabeth Gilbert to ‘Fear’, so when the fear arises, this is the story of inner wisdom we can share instead of falling at the first hurdle.
“Dearest Fear: Creativity and I are about to go on a road trip. I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do. I acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do. But I will also be doing my job, which is to work hard and stay focused. And Creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. You’re not allowed to suggest detours. You’re not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you’re not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert
I wish you so much love in your own quest to reclaim your lost passion, and remember just take simple steps, don’t expect the enthusiasm to flood in straight away, but just be open to it.
Thanks for listening to this episode of Kelly Martin Speaks
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Until next time…bye for now