EPISODE 74 – PODCAST TRANSCRIPT
Hi there, welcome back to Kelly Martin Speaks. I’m your host Kelly Martin and this is episode 74.
Today I am going to talk about how judgement of that which we want can set us up for a life of never receiving it.
This past 2 weeks I have been delving deeply into my own psyche and after an appointment with a local osteopath, I discovered something pretty significant for me, that I have been telling a story of loss to myself for a very long time. In a recent blog post called ‘Is Fear of Loss Preventing Your Happiness?’ I unravelled some old quite strong and consistent programming from life that led me to live a half-life, a life where I fear loss so greatly that inwardly I had protected myself from the good aspects of living.
These ranged from love, joy, abundance, friendship and more.
The fear was so great that I kept friendships away (with the exception of emotionally or physically unavailable people) and I would not allow anyone or anything into my life that I could fully love, because to me, because of my past experiences, to open my heart fully was to experience incredibly painful loss. So, in a way I was allowing myself nothing so that I could lose nothing.
This has a huge downside though. If we keep people, things, opportunities away to prevent pain, we end up feeling the very pain we fear on a regular basis.
My pain was this constant feeling of sorrow and sadness. It was so easy to misinterpret others as not being up to my standards, because I could not see the unconscious me was protecting me from harm by attracting those who I could not befriend, love or appreciate further, because they were not around in my life long enough to do so.
So, this goes into the subject of this short podcast. Judgment and how it affects our ability to live the life we want.
Judging What We Want
Judgement is something we all do as human beings. We judge what we see, experience and desire. We make assumptions and we decide whether something or someone is right for us or not.
The problem with judgement is that we can judge against the very thing we want.
For example, say you wanted a girlfriend and were feeling very unsuccessful at this. You may believe you are unlovable or unworthy of a relationship, but what you may not realise is that if you have judgements about women, how they are, what they do, whether they are out of your reach or unavailable to you, this would put a stop to allowing them into your life.
You may also judge relationships to be a certain way, so you put relationships into a box of perfection. The movie industry and television show this all the time. The relationships we see are often ideal, the most attractive same age couple together, not a hair out of place and their love life is mess free, but in reality we all know that relationships are the grounds for great learning and growth; they can be very messy; they can be very different from the ideal, and by putting our desires into a box, we prevent ourselves from being able to open a potential box that would be deeply satisfying.
For example, there is someone in the world who is perfect for you. They would bring you great transformation as a person, they would challenge you, love you unconditionally, but perhaps they look different to what you expect, maybe they have a large birthmark on their face or perhaps they are twice your age. The judgement of that desire would then stop you ever meeting them, because they were not wrapped in the exact package you thought you needed.
I know this only too well.
When dealing with judgements, we need to see if we are afraid of something happening in our lives. As I said earlier, mine has been a persistent fear of loss. So, my life judgements have revolved around this once unconscious fear. With a fear of loss of those people who came into my life, I made massive judgements.
With friends who came and went, people who were physically unavailable, I judged them in all honesty to be inconsiderate arseholes.
But in reality, they were simply being themselves, spending time with me when they were able to and only living up to the projected judgements I had set up to keep myself safe. They were keeping me safe as they were characters in my life story.
One friend whom I started to love deeply, for the first time since childhood, after what felt like decades of friendship abandonments, became more and more unavailable. I realise now that the more I opened my heart to loving that friend, the greater her time constraints and stress levels became so she was not able to meet my demands. I wanted to see her more than once a month or once every two months. I had it in my head that to develop a close friendship needed time. And while this was true, it was my own judgements that created our friendship to be that way.
She was the perfect character to play unavailability. She set me up really well and completely, so that I felt the pain of loss when the friendship ended. My unconscious fear was confirmed and my inner child basically said, ‘Right, see what happens when you love someone? I will protect you by keeping anyone away that you can love fully’.
But with judgements there is a time and place to work through them.
Back then I was not ready for friendships because I was not able to work through my fear of loss or my judgements, because my fear of loss was so deeply unconscious to me that it was driving my life story without me even knowing it.
The Prevention of Pain Creates The Pain
I knew I was feeling sorrow and sadness a lot of the time, but I didn’t know that my fear of loss and my trying to keep that fear away from me was the very thing causing the sadness and sorrow.
I judged friendships as either good friendships or crap friendships. I could not allow those who would be able to develop the friendships into a closer and long term friendship.
And I did the same with partners. My last partner was a raging narcissist, one of those who are most unavailable to intimacy. He was unable to commit, thereby reinforcing my need to continue protecting myself from loss.
In relationships, I became very needy for love because I feared abandonment. So I grabbed tightly on to the other person. But because I feared abandonment, I judged that people would inevitably abandon me, so I allowed into my life people who could not commit to a relationship or friendship.
I was lucky however with one friend, my best friend Michael. He was so stubbornly resolute in his friendship with me that no matter how much I tried to push him away with neediness, he stuck around and for this I am very grateful.
What Do We Do About Judgements?
So, what can we do about these judgements that may be preventing us from allowing good into our lives?
We first need to forgive ourselves for judging others or life. We need to understand that we were only trying to keep ourselves safe. And while this way of doing things may no longer work, it did work for a time. Our unconscious was trying to keep us safe from whatever perceived threat it could see. Fear of loss, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection… pick your fear of choice.
By learning to discover what it is that we fear, we can then begin to unravel it, to look at our entire life differently and see where we are holding back from life and see if we are negatively judging the very things we want?
Some examples of judging I have already discussed, but other examples can include.
- Judging money as wrong or only for greedy and mean people, allowing ourselves to feel quite virtuous in life, being good by having none
- Judging men to be takers and not givers and so never letting a man into our heart or life
- Judging work or a career as painful and stressful, so keeping ourselves down in life, not going any further with our passions because a career appears too painful and exhausting
- Judging relationships as too needy as we strive for independence, yet end up disassociating ourselves from others instead and feeling lonely
So, what judgements do you feel are preventing you from receiving the very things you want?
And are there any fears that are behind those judgements that are trying to keep you safe?
Thanks for listening to another episode of Kelly Martin Speaks
If you have a question or topic you are struggling with and would like me to answer on an upcoming podcast episode, please get in touch. Your name will be confidential. EMAIL me at firstname.lastname@example.org or message me on Facebook via my page Kelly Martin Speaks.
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Until next time…bye for now.