Drop the Fantasy and Find Joy in the Reality

Sometimes, we need to let go of the fantasy and find fulfilment in our reality. ~ Kelly Martin

We can all reminisce about the ‘good old days’, be it in life as a whole or in the relationships we think we had. It can be so easy to get lost in thinking that we had it better back then or by thinking that by fantasising about a different reality to ‘what is’ we are improving our experience, but when does the fantasy need to be dropped in favour of the actual reality?

It’s when the fantasy is an avoidance to what is really happening.

Lately I have been considering my past relationships, when I was in the spring of my youth and had several short relationships, lasting around 3 months. At the time I was unaware I was coming at a relationship with rose coloured spectacles. I had false ideals about what a relationship was, and I was convinced I had what I was supposed to have and that it was ‘real’.

I convinced myself that if I just held his hand, ‘faked romance’ and did things publicly together that I was in a great relationship. My relationships lacked real intimacy, emotional intimacy and honesty, from both sides, but I decided I would make it work, because I didn’t know what it meant to be in a fulfilling relationship. I carried this deep fantasy that my Prince was there to rescue me and this clouded any judgement about whether the guy I was with was good for me.

In the end they ended the relationship by phone, letter and never in person, because I had grown needy and dependant and they feared facing this from me in person. I wanted the fantasy and I imagine they sensed this and knew they could never live up to this conditional relationship that I had dreamed up from conditioning I had received. In fact, it was not until the year 2019 when I started to let the idea of the fantasy relationship and fantasy life go and make changes to how I viewed my world, because I was not just in fantasy about relationships, but also about life in general.

I believed that someday, life would give me everything I wanted; I just kept waiting for that elusive carrot on the stick. I couldn’t absorb that life had already given me what I wanted and needed, it just wasn’t necessarily what my ego wanted or needed. It was what I needed in order to grow and become more of who I am.

It can be so easy to lose ourselves in the fantasy. Spiritual ideologies and spiritual window-dressing can also fill our minds with the idea that we can have what we want, but we get lost in this and  miss out on what we really have right now, not in this future imaginary fantasy world.

Sometimes We Avoid Success

Sometimes we avoid success in an area we may be struggling with, money, relationships, health, because instead of making the best of what we have, we have an eye to the future and because of this we are not intimately present with ‘what is’. We miss the beautiful lover in our life that was patiently waiting for us, we miss the abundance we enjoy (no matter how small) and forget to appreciate it. We focus on the lack of health and don’t see the health that we do have, in favour of the fantasy full health we may long for.

Many of us don’t see the magic or the potential right in front of us because the fantasy is very intoxicating and a powerful magnet for our attention.

You May Have A Wonderful Man Or Woman

You may have a wonderful man or woman in your life, but you think they are not good enough or you need better or more, because you are focusing on their flaws instead of the gift that they are. You are seeing what needs to be fixed instead of embraced. You may miss the love, the care, the acceptance they bring to you, because you think there is someone out there who will tick far more boxes.

Your May Wish Your Body Was Different

You may wish you were fitter, slimmer, more toned, but you are not. Embrace the body you have and find a way of seeing it as your ‘new normal’.  Your body does not want your hate, it needs your loving acceptance.

You May Use Vacations To Escape

You may be unsatisfied with your work or job and use fantasy of future holidays and vacations as an escape from the possibility that you need to change your career and way of working.

You May Sabotage A Relationship Before It Has Begun

Fantasy can get us lost in attachment and neediness before we have even started a relationship with someone. We can fantasise about how the relationship will be, what we will do, how we will do it, the future…but in doing so we set ourselves up for failure.

The very fantasy is a failure story waiting to happen!

When you fantasise you are hurting yourself.

Fantasising can be a massive distraction from what you really need to be doing and that is taking action now.

• This action could be calling that potential lover who has been waiting for you to (and you didn’t call because you thought they were not good enough).
• The action could be looking at your finances and realising that they are a mess and you need to take ownership of your current reality and do something about this.
• The action could be addressing your health concerns, doing something about it that either changes what you want to change or helps you accept what is happening in a state of graceful surrender to ‘what is’.

Fantasising Can Be an Occasional Reliever Of Pain

We can fantasise when pain is too much, we can get lost in a good book or a movie, but if we are fantasising to avoid on a regular basis, we are creating more pain in the long term.

When we ignore our reality for too long, we don’t tend to the details that need looking at that could support your personal growth and success.

Fantasies are not joy; they are not real.

Finding Fulfilment in Reality

Recently, I realised that I was not fully looking at my present reality in a way that I had what I needed. I thought the Universe had got it wrong, this couldn’t be my reality, it had to be better than this, but I was missing out on the potential fulfilment in the here-now.

Maybe I didn’t see people very often, maybe I had few friends and those I did see were infrequent social experiences. Maybe I didn’t have much money and so much more. But in focusing on this I missed out on the beauty, the love, the friendship I did have. I missed opportunities that had been there all along, because I was too lost in the fantasy future.

We Are Taught To Fantasise

Society, television and the media teaches us to fantasise from an early age. We are told we need to have ‘X,Y’Z’ to have a happy and satisfied life. This could be a relationship, a home, money, social life, new car…the latest iPhone, etc. etc.. And that if we just get all of this we will be happy. WRONG!

So how do we stop fantasising?

1. Stop looking at what we don’t have and focus on what we do have.
2. Ask if we really need ‘X,Y,Z’ to be happy? Is this true-life satisfaction or just superficial?
3. Look to see if our vacations and holidays are merely covering up the cracks in a life we are no longer meant to be invested in. For example, we are working 24/7 on a job we no longer have passion for, just to get money to buy new clothes and go on holiday.
4. Ask why your life is not meeting your expectations, and do those expectations need to change to a more fulfilling way of viewing your current reality?
5. Start looking at your current or potential partner as a real genuine human being with flaws that you may not accept at this time, but that you can acknowledge and learn to embrace. Start focusing on the reality and the beauty in the reality you have. Let go of feeling that special someone is perfect or needs to be.
6. Let go of relationships based on fantasy. If someone is beautiful, but treats you poorly and the relationship is toxic, you are lost in fantasy. It will not last. Let them go so that you can open to someone who will bring you a greater sense of relationship satisfaction.

And there we have it…fantasy is okay short term, but if we get lost inside its grip, we can lose so much time instead of focussing on the potential for fulfilment that we actually have in reality.

Are you ready to embrace reality?

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