How many times have you felt shame for being human? For making normal, human errors? For expressing your vulnerability and weaknesses out loud to other human beings? I know I have and just did it again today.
Being a woman with hormones flooding can sometimes be empowering but also can make me feel extra sensitive and vulnerable to my own feelings and my own trigger points.
Shame feels a biggy today.
A simple thing happened on social media, nothing really, nothing life threatening, a really simple nothing of a mistake, but it really hit me hard in my heart and feeling body.
So instead of meditating, being, soothing and nurturing myself I became a keyboard warrior, not directed towards anyone at all, but more processing my feelings in a group. And the voice in my head screamed that I was sounding crazy and then the next voice beat me up further telling me I should apologise for sounding so crazy. And the final voice shamed me again for being so weak and thinking I needed to apologise.
Inside me was a war going on.
One really hurt part of me was looking for support and nurturing from outside of myself instead going within. The inner child.
And two other parts, one critical parent scolding me for showing myself up on social media (when in fact I probably didn’t) and the second part deleting my apology because that part of me was shaming me for being so weak.
This is the inner world of a human being that still is establishing a sense of balance within.
It’s easy when feeling more balanced to catch hold of this process taking place, but if you are tired, already cranky, sick or hormonal the hooks can be big.
Writing down the journey helps
It’s been 4 hours since I was hooked and inside I still feel raw and vulnerable and this is why I am processing these feelings in this blog, to make sense of the journey taking place, because I know quite frankly, I am not the only person who has this experience and inner battle that happens when we are simply being human.
Questioning my original ‘freak out’ over a mistake I now see that it was not a big deal, it was just a poster I created for social media and yet my ego decided it was a big deal when Facebook would not let influential pages that wanted to share it, share it. That’s all that happened, I made a poster and influential people wanted to share it, but could not because I had set the post up incorrectly. Looking at it, it probably looks no reason for shame, but most of us have shame triggers, being seen is my trigger.
The Lesson in the Pain
What it triggered for me was a feeling of shame, a feeling of old triggers where my putting my creativity out in the world hit a brick wall and I was once again invisible. AND also recognising this is also ego, needing myself to be seen in that way. The ironic thing about my mistake that caused this to happen was the quote itself.
“Seek to be worth knowing, rather than well known” Author Unknown
And here I was, suddenly over-reacting over my poster not being seen, not being ‘well known’ and this is why it happened.
Writing this post has helped me understand that sometimes what we feel is a roadblock or major mistake that triggers such massive shame feelings can be the very thing we need to observe and view from a different angle.
Sometimes the shame masks the reality of the truth we need to see. Sometimes it feels so painful we don’t want to see what it is truly showing us.
What was it showing me?
Sometimes life pulls a rug from beneath us so that we learn a valuable lesson and don’t forget it. Sometimes we need to be deeply triggered so we understand where we are coming from.
My lesson was to question my agenda.
Why do I share what I share?
What does the communication mean?
Was I sharing out of love and guidance or did I have a hidden agenda to be important, impressive and impactful?
This experience made me realise that I still have some ego stuff that is hooking me big time and to go easy on myself in the process.
To be aware is key, knowledge is indeed power.
Now I know what my motives can sometimes be I can question them and choose to be of service instead, from the heart not the head.
Thank you universe for this painful yet valuable lesson.