You know, change is not always easy. We have the best of intentions as the new year arrives. The 1st of January comes and we have the health plans to start, the goals to fulfil, and it does not go according to plan.
For me, new years eve was the strangest one yet. Mike was in bed at 11pm sick with a bucket by his bed, and I was sitting in bed reading.
And at midnight, the fireworks came, and I glanced at the clock and realised 2013 had arrived.
So unexpectedly, instead of shouting whoopee! I burst into an ocean of tears.
I wailed like a baby for a good 30 minutes. I seriously could not control myself, it was one of those unending tirades of emotion flowing through my heart that could not be stopped by any dam.
I was releasing not only 2012, but the past 12 years that had quite frankly, not been easy. While I bore witness to people around the world stating how amazing 2012 had been for them I felt an amazing sense of grief. Grief that my changes had been different to most people and that my changes could only be seen on the inside and not the outside. I had no objects or identities I could share with the world, I had not gotten married, had children, bought a house, travelled or started a career, no, my life had not felt easy. I had ripped and unearthed some old brainwashed beliefs from the very core of my being. I had pulled the carpet from underneath my feet to remove the cobwebs of my past, and I had been through a deep cleansing cycle of the washing machine called life.
Easy? That would be nice. Or would it ?
As I fell asleep into my sopping wet pillow I was gifted with beautiful dreams, happy dreams of what I am creating for myself. And while my intellect, ego and logic often tell me otherwise I know my spirit is strong and is healing me. And as these dreams came, after a long crying session, I knew my intellect had not created these beautiful dreams. I had been given my 2013 gift.
And so I woke up as a bright as a button, my plans set in motion. Edit my book, go for a lovely walk in the beautiful sunshine, change my eating habits, meditate and become more independent and less dependant on Michael.
What came was a yet another surprise with a dash of utter frustration thrown in.
My Back Threw A Spanner In The Works
For around 6 weeks now I have had some back issues. Most of my life I have had small ache in my lower back when I walk slowly but it hasn’t really posed a problem. After starting a new Pilates class a while back, I think I pulled a muscle during an exercise. This did not concern me too much as it did not feel that much of a challenge. Anyway, it gradually got worse and the aching travelled into the middle, shoulders and neck and I continued gentle exercise. Doctors and experts say do gentle exercise when back issues arise as the worst thing you can do is stop moving altogether. So I did this.
After a couple of weeks it eased up and I was left with just little pain in my lower back and some tenseness. Nothing too bad, or so it seemed. After a trip to the library on New Years Eve I had the shock of only slightly bending over to look at a book and had my first back spasm. It shocked me so much I walked quickly home as I felt if I did not move I would be stuck in place. So I came home quite emotional and a lot scared.
So new years eve came and I went to bed got up and went for a walk. Twenty minutes in and the spasm came. So, I did what Mike said, I pushed my fingers into these two points in my lower back that are supposed to help unlock the back but it didn’t. I thought that would just be a one off so I continued walking, and another spasm came, and another, to the point if I slightly moved my pelvis forward I was bent over in pain and could not move (not a good feeling when in a public place and on my own).
After 45 minute walk to where the spasms started I took a rather scary walk back home. I was not sure if I would make it as it was spasming every few minutes. I was trying to wipe away tears and to stop the public humiliation of crying my way home. Finally I arrived home, in tears and in shock.
So the best laid plans for the 1st of January were put to a halt.
I was feeling seriously frustrated and irritated with myself (not a good place to be), and I beat myself up because I saw it as a part of me utterly resistant to the changes I intend to make in 2013. And I felt that instead of becoming more independent, this back resistance was making me feeling more dependant. So I was screaming at myself through frustration.
And then it dawned on me.
Not A Permanent Roadblock
Just because it is the 1st of January does not mean all my intentions need to start straight away. How crazy would it be to do something just because we said we would when life has thrown us a curve ball? Because of the scared feelings I needed some of Mikes home made fudge (even though I am cutting back on chocolate). I needed to not edit my book today because I needed to do fun and playful things to take my mind of what had happened. And so I am viewing this curve ball as a mere stumbling block to walk around, when I am able to walk around it.
This is not a permanent roadblock to change.
This is merely a distraction and I am still choosing a new year of change and blessings for myself.
So when life throws you a curve ball and your best intentions for 2013 do not start as brilliantly as you planned remember this is only temporary. Everything changes and maybe the curve ball has a big lesson attached for you to discover.
For me its about not holding myself ‘back’ even when life throws me the curve balls. To still be committed to my need for growth and well-being. And probably much more I am about to discover.
*Photos from http://www.freedigitalphotos.net
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Kelly Martin, author of ‘When Everyone Shines But You’ is a dedicated writer and blogger who fearlessly explores life’s deepest questions. Faced with a decade of profound anxiety and grief following the loss of her father and her best friend Michael, Kelly embarked on a transformative journey guided by mindfulness, and she hasn’t looked back since. Through her insightful writing, engaging podcasts, and inspiring You Tube channel Kelly empowers others to unearth the hidden treasures within their pain, embracing the profound truth that they are ‘enough’ exactly as they are.
Happy New Year Kelly. Go easy on yourself!!! x