Are Painful Judgements Holding You Back in Life?

man pointing finger

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Hi there, welcome back to Kelly Martin Speaks. I’m your host Kelly Martin and this is episode 106. 

Today I’m going to talk about judgements and how they can hold us back in life.

Judgement, I think we have all been guilty of this, in fact being human makes it impossible not to pass judgements.

At this current time in history because of the way the world is, judgments have grown phenomenally. From righteous religious judgements that are viewed as absolutely correct to judge as wrong, to virtuous judgements of ‘I am wise and peaceful and compassionate, so my judgement is not really judgement just an observation of truth’, which can be the same thing as righteousness.

Judgement is what we need to make decisions, It is healthy when we use judgement to decide what works for us and what doesn’t. When we go in the more extreme direction, it is when we judge others as always wrong, because we view our own opinions as always right, and unchanging.

I can be quite judgemental, sometimes I actually enjoy it and I think those who are judgemental and accept it as something that humans do, feel a lot freer. In other words, you judge, you accept that you judge, and you don’t beat yourself up about it. However, you are also open to changing your mind which is a big key to a happier life.

Yet it is when we are judgemental and do not acknowledge we are and somehow make our judgements virtuous and righteous that we get into trouble.

I’ve received my fair share of judgements directed at me over the past few years, more so this year. I think if you are of one view and there are divisive elements in society it is bound to happen. At the moment we have huge political divisions, we have huge ideological divisions, we have left and right, black and white divisions, and in the UK still, four years on, those of us who voted to leave the European Union are still called names, told we are stupid and thick and racist.

This week we have been told by those holding onto their projected blame that the Russians meddled with our referendum, so that those of us who voted leave apparently had Russians influencing our decision. It’s become laughable now in the UK that judgements have become so deeply rooted and solid that anything could be created to try and overturn the democratic vote.

But politics and divisions aside, when we judge others, be it judging a white person or judging a Conservative in whatever country, or the other way around, when we can’t adapt or adjust our view, we suffer.

Projecting Blame

blaming others

Judgement can turn into projecting our own sense of blame at other people and our denial at being judgemental. It is when we view ourselves as separate or even superior.

If we see a problem in society or in our lives, often instead of looking within first or at facts, to protect ourselves from hurt or shame we project blame. We try to raise ourselves up above others, those others being the problem, not us.

Sometimes what happens is that we go into an intensive judging phase, because we are feeling guilt, or we are feeling the exact thing we are projecting onto others. For example, someone could judge your actions as poor because they believe you are unhappy and not handling your unhappiness well. Yet what could be happening is that they are deeply unhappy but using blame and judgements to cover that fact up. A bit like when people are addicted to drama, they will do everything in their power to project outwards towards other people what is wrong in the world, instead of owning what they are doing.

When we are coming from a place of balance, any statement we make about the world is genuinely more of an observation, but we don’t hold onto that thought either. We are prepared to let it go and be open to another view. However, when we are coming from a state of imbalance, we are not prepared to let go of our view, because our identity relies on those projections and to let the story go that we are telling ourselves and others, means the deck of cards falls apart, metaphorically speaking.

Our foundations are not strong enough to weather the storm of the truth.

What we judge, we try to keep away from us. If we see ourselves as different from the ‘other’ or superior, we can miss out on so much. This can be anything from wanting a new partner but judging men or women as bad, so we push any potential partners away. It could also be holding grudges and preventing any reconciliation with family, because we judge ourselves as superior or righteous in our opinions.

What judgements do is trap us in the problem. For example, in the UK those who have not been able to move on from the European Referendum result four years on, are actually imprisoned in their view and judgement. Their refusal to accept the democratic vote means that nothing will be transformed or improved. They will not be able to move forward in life because of this judgement.

And unfortunately, the more we hold onto judgements and are unable to let them go, the greater the problem grows. It can spill out into other areas. So, if we are judging one area of society, and if someone really wonderful comes into our lives, from that area of society, we feel trapped in our judgements, so we are unable to enjoy the pleasure of their company. What we resist, persists.

The only way to find relief is to drop this resistance. Accept that we may have a different opinion and that’s okay but try not to hold onto anything. For if we hold on to our judgements forever, we miss out on so much in life because our judgements are filling this space where love, forgiveness and acceptance could be.

We infect ourselves with our own poison.

Thanks for listening to this episode of Kelly Martin Speaks

If you have a question or topic you are struggling with and would like me to answer on an upcoming podcast episode, please get in touch. Your name will be confidential. EMAIL me at or message me on Facebook via my page Kelly Martin Speaks.

And don’t forget, if you feel that others are passing you by and ‘The Not Good Enough’ voice is screaming loudly, pop by to find out all about my books, including Book 1 ‘When Everyone Shines but You’

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Until next time…bye for now

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Kelly Martin
Kelly Martin

Kelly Martin, author of ‘When Everyone Shines But You’ is a dedicated writer and blogger who fearlessly explores life’s deepest questions. Faced with a decade of profound anxiety and grief following the loss of her father and her best friend Michael, Kelly embarked on a transformative journey guided by mindfulness, and she hasn’t looked back since. Through her insightful writing, engaging podcasts, and inspiring You Tube channel Kelly empowers others to unearth the hidden treasures within their pain, embracing the profound truth that they are ‘enough’ exactly as they are.

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