Happy 2012 everyone. It has felt like a very long time since I last posted. Lots of changes, lots of developments and some shifts in my communication style.
A couple of days ago I started posting videos on my You Tube channel. This week I have received my first ‘dislikes’ on my videos ever. And it is all because I decided to step from behind my comfort zone and speak passionately about my own opinions and thoughts on a certain topic.
When I posted it, some fear arose. It took a great deal of courage to be so honest and clear about what many could perceive as human flaws. As with my blog I know my channel is taking me in the direction of honesty, raw passion, opinions and strong communication.
After talking with Mike I was thinking about speaking and communication and how so many of us show the face we hope the world will like. I know for the longest time, as a people pleaser I thought I must simply show the nice face, the happy face, the upbeat face. I was known as smiley happy Kelly by my friends. I would also cover my mouth to stop myself expressing anything that was a difference of opinion for fear of all eyes being on me when in a group situation. I was painfully communication phobic back then.
Now, my communication is changing. I am aware of the need to challenge any boundaries I had placed within myself to keep myself safe. We can only live a half life if we go through life trying to avoid conflict or trying to get people to like us.
I want to take the risk of people not liking me and see how that feels inside. I know for me it is the step on a path of real self awareness and self love.
For the longest time, I have observed my house mate Mike and how he is able to discuss and share with people without fear or being made wrong. He is happy to let people be right and accept others may be right. His ego does not take a leap into anger or rage or resentment. He has his moments, but most of the time he is able to express himself from a strong grounded place.
My new video here reflects a feeling I needed to express outwardly. I am receiving a lot of positive feedback and some dislikes,but instead of feeling horrified that people dislike my video, me or what I have to say, (which would have been my past response) instead it actually excites me.
My longest held desire has been to be able to experience this world and all of humanity and to not take offence when someone does not like me or what I say or do, but to respect them and acknowledge that what they say and feel is of value. And to also take it into myself what they say and to see where it is true.
Byron Katie has helped me understand this further.
Recently on another forum I was related to as being obsessive and as demonising Abraham Hicks. I read through the post, had a little internal reaction, left the thread and felt my feelings and asked what is this all about. I then realised, yes, the human side of me can be a little obsessive and maybe demonizes or maybe not. However, the point was that we all have every culmination of human emotion within us. While I may obsess about one subject, another may obsess about food or music, and another may simply have obsessive thoughts.
My message here is to say, confront your fears when it comes to communication. We can hide behind the couch only sharing what feels safe to share or we can allow the whole range of human emotion to be expressed through us. And to allow others and ourselves to reflect upon the consequences of such expression.
As I become at ease with all of my humanity, in the long term it means that when others feel different towards me I will feel at peace within myself.
So watch this space and check out my You Tube channel when you have a moment. It is changing. I am changing.