I wanted to write a short update for my blog. So how am I doing right now?
Well – letting it all unfold. It is all I can do right now.
It’s funny because all the things I used to do, all the behaviour or the choices I made, were choices made to make me feel better via feedback from the outside world. And as I allowed my life to unfold this past year, spending time alone, I still slipped back in to distracting myself with outer feedback, knowing deep down at some point in my journey that I must look to my own light, my own inner feedback for comfort, love, sustenance and awakening.
My soul’s path has been calling me, calling me for the longest time back home – to me. If you check out previous blog entries this past year (see below) you will see how my journey has been calling me to my own light.
Seeking Outer Validation
The thing is I don’t feel that any of us can truly see our own light until we have let go of all the needs we have pointing outwards, seeking relief and fulfilment. If you have a spouse or lover that you look to for love, comfort and upliftment, your need is pointing in that direction. If you have your own business, if you’re an artist, a writer and you share your work – if you wait for the outer feedback to bring you relief, to make you feel better, feel good, your need is pointing outwards, seeking relief and fulfilment.
You belong to a group, on-line or in physical, you belong, you nurture one another, you pat one another’s backs, you stroke one another’s egos, you soothe one another, love one another, all okay. BUT if you ‘need’ that, your need is pointing outwards, again seeking relief, which can never come from outside of yourself. The only source of relief and comfort and fulfillment is within you.
How many times do you check Facebook a day? Twitter? waiting for comments on your status, your photos, your videos? have you ever asked yourself why you do this? Many people probably don’t, because the reality of it would be too uncomfortable to consider. If you need this feedback you are still looking to others to validate who you are, to validate your reason for living.
I know all of this because I have lived it. I know all of this because I have been there and bought the t-shirt. I know all of this because I am still coming out of this way of being. I realise I have had this artificial drip feeding me on a daily, weekly basis for most of my life. I had not really questioned this drip, properly, until now. It is not an easy drip to unplug from.
When we begin to take the drip out it can hurt like hell! Because all of the social lubrication (my friend Mike’s term) was masking and hiding who we truly are – from ourselves.
Any repressed grief, suffering, pain, fear, hurt can temporarily be soothed by being fed by the social drip (or the food, drink, drugs, money, sex drip). It pays to remember, it’s temporary.
For me I could not see this drip when I was immersed in the social stratosphere of life. I had to completely unplug from ‘conventional’ society and life. In effect I took the red pill (aka The Matrix movie) and I began to see the illusions I had been hiding from myself for so long.
I am in the beginning of un-plugging. I feel I gradually un-plugged a little this past year. By leaving my job, beginning to accept my unconventional life and thinking and living with a wise man in his 70’s, I started to unhook.
I have no answers on what it feels like to experience my own light. What I thought was my light in the past was not ‘my light’: it was my light given to me in the reflection from others – via feedback from the outside world. Via outer validation.
My ego likes to think it’s still in charge, even as I write this blog entry. It is telling me “Kelly – if you just do this (eat, join a group, get involved in society) you will find that light”. And I say NO! This time it will not work. I tried all the social lubrication. No friends, no religion, no travelling, no ritual will fill the void that is not a void at all – it is where my true essence, my true spirit, resides. Only silence, only being – not doing, can bring me home to who I truly am now.
Being Alone Can Be Painful
Is it easy? Hell NO. In fact it is probably the hardest thing I have ever done on my spiritual journey so far. Yet being alone, experiencing loneliness and letting myself feel the darkness of the void can feel terrifying, painful and plain crap. I still have eyes and ears. I still look out from this physical body and see people belonging, connecting, socialising, interacting, distracting and I think maybe I should have taken the blue pill of social illusion and it would have been easy. I obviously did not opt for the easy path. I did however opt for the most soul expansive, enriching life experience, full of awareness, vivid colour and deep unknowns.
I did not opt for the ‘known’ the comfortable, the belonging, that outwardly looks an easier path and I could not turn back and follow the old Kelly route through life. I have changed too much to do this.
So here I am. Alone. All – One. Sometimes loneliness arises, deeply. Sometimes peace arises, deeply. I know it’s a process and I cannot rush through it, or plough my way to answers, understanding or awakening. I cannot even have expectations of awakening. I cannot expect anything from removing the drip. My ego fears this. My ego sees the great unknown as death. As nothing. And it is death, but it’s not nothing – it’s no-thing.
Without attachments, hooks, reflections giving me feedback and validating me, my ego has nothing to control. The ego needs social lubrication in its many forms and so to the ego my current path is death.
So, this is where I am, right now. Living.
A dear friend who occasionally posts here posted this quote on her site this week (see : Darkest Of Nights )
“A day will come when you will be stirred by unexpected events. A part of you will die and you will begin to search for the elixir that will bring this part of you back to life. You will seek the elixir in friends, lovers, enemies, books, religions, foreign countries, hero’s, songs, rituals and jobs, but no matter where you look the treasure will evade you. All will seem lost and you will lose all hope that this magic potion even exists. This will be the darkest of nights and promises certain death will lead you to the abyss of despair. But staring into the abyss you will see the dim light of your own illumined soul. Your radiance will transform the abyss into the elusive elixir of life and for the first time you will realize that all the while it is your own light that you’ve been searching for.” ~Jackson Kiddard