Over the course of 11 years, I have explored countless ways to bring about what I wanted in my life. I wanted more money, I wanted a relationship, I wanted a change in job, home environment…And I took many different routes to get these things to manifest and change in my life. I dilligently followed the premise of the Law of Attraction, I watched the movie ‘The Secret’, I listened, read and watched hundreds of Abraham Hicks videos on you tube. I followed to the letter instructions and exercises. Sometimes I felt uplifted, boosted, hope-full. I even felt what I thought was ‘knowing’ and ‘belief’ that these things I thought I wanted were coming, sooner rather than later.
What I need I have and what I have I need.
This year, 2011, I discovered an essential missing component in my own journey within. What I need I have and what I have I need.
My mind may think I need more money right now. But, I discovered from having a certain amount of money, my life has unfolded in an unexpected way. Sometimes we need to have less money so we may simplify our lives, to let go of those aspects of everyday living that were acting as distractions to what we need to understand and know. Getting down to the bare bones of living, really teaches you a thing or two about gratitude and appreciation of every little thing in your life.
My life was full of distractions. Too much TV, too much food, too much drama, too much shopping – too much, too much, too much. ALL of these things I was using to distract myself from my own inner soul, my own inner wisdom, my own inner wealth.
It is fairly easy to do this. If what we think we want (more money, more clothes, better lifestyle, a relationship, bigger house, new car) does not manifest, when we think we want it to, it is really really easy to fill the void of those unmanifested wants with other distractions.
Stripped, bare to the bone. When life becomes ultra simplified, when you simply have enough food in your belly, your own self for company, socialising with only yourself and your entertainment becomes walking alone. Then, I feel, the rawness, the vulnerability and the inner strengths begin to show for the first time.
Life surprises us. We discover even sickness has its benefits. My health this past week has been flooding toxins through my system, my body has lovingly given me time to be still, be quiet and discover my strengths and talents through writing. This quiet time, of none movement has brought me realisations that it is time to unveil my authentic nature to a wider audience, instead of simply my own self.
Substitutes For Love
In an earlier blog I quoted Morrie Schwartz, he said how many people use the objects of there desires as substitutes for love. A year ago I would have disagreed with this, but now I am not so sure.
If I am coming from a place within, an inner beauty, an inner wealth and I light heartedly desire something, it simply is a nice addition to my inner world. However, if I am coming from a place of need, desperation or attachment to outer manifestations I am using the ‘stuff’ of life as a substitute for my inner well of love.
A while ago, possibly my whole life, an inner prompting has been to see who Kelly is, who is the real Kelly Martin? and I feel this stripped to the bone of my life is enabling me to see my worth, my beauty and my inner wealth now. My innate creativity through writing, through photography, through communication is unravelling what once felt unseen within myself.
Yesterday, I received a phone call that could of got my outer dream on the road. My mind went into planning and organising, excitement and expectation. I received another call today, I discovered it may not happen. Initially, I felt dissapointment and then I spoke to myself, I am so loved inside myself. Life never lets me down. If the opportunity to live my ‘outer’ dream is not taking place right now, it means what I need is more time alone, more time delving into the storehouse of Kelly Martin. Lovingly, so lovingly discovering my jewels, my wealth, my beauty and more.
I remind myself daily, life is in constant flow. Life always knows.
And so it is.