Depression is still something left unspoken. So many of us walk around the world plastering fake happy smiles on our faces, when inside we feel like we are dying. While gazing at my bedroom ceiling this week I day-dreamed about my best friend writing a status on my Facebook page, ‘I’m sorry to announce, but Kelly the owner of this page took her own life last night and lost her battle with depression.’
Was I shocked by this thought? No. I simply burst into tears and realised the darkness and black dog had me in its grip.
Looking around, to others, it may look like my life is all hunky dory. I was finally being seen and heard, removed the invisibility cloak from around my shoulders and started to share my skills and talents, but one lingering feeling was still loud and powerful. That of failure.
Logging in to Facebook that same day I saw a friend who had just published her book announcing it was a bestseller in several categories and I simply burst into tears at my desk. When my books were released I did everything I could to publicise them, advertising, getting the word out, but a few years on since book 1 was released I have been lucky to see 5 books sell a month, not enough to buy me lunch.
The Pressure To Have My Sh*t Together
And as I became co-producer on a new venture, a radio station to help people with mental health issues and bring a positive station to the airwaves, here I was drowning in my own mental health issues.
I think sometimes the pressure to have my shit together publicly is immense. I think especially when you are finally being seen, letting others see your vulnerable self and sharing the methods that work for you to move through difficult feelings like anxiety and depression and to feel yourself being swallowed up by the dark night of the soul (a spiritual term for depression I feel) can be tough. It feels like having nowhere to turn as you have literally tried everything but have been falling short of your own wisdom and guidance. It is then when the pain just becomes crushingly too much.
A few nights before the launch of the radio station I lay in bed crying for 2 hours and the thoughts were very dark indeed, wondering why should I bother continuing on? People may say, ‘But you have so many skills and talents!’ but the fact of the matter is, if my skills and talents are not paying the bills and I am still relying on help from others, it’s really hard to feel ‘ENOUGH’
I think sometimes it’s easier to be invisible and hidden, that way you can suffer with mental health issues and not feel like a beacon of light to help others, you can just quietly suffer.
Before writing this post I thought can I honestly write a blog post on how I am really feeling? I used to always heal as I wrote in the past. I never wrote what people wanted to read, I never wrote for search engine optimisation, I simply wrote to heal and feel.
Why I’m Still Here
But I am still here.
I haven’t quit.
I genuinely don’t want to quit.
Sometimes I hate the word hope, because sometimes hope can keep you trapped in the dark-light loop where your hope pulls you through, but I am also wondering if sometimes we fall under the cloak of the black dog as a way in. An introspective loving way to recognise that the following are not what are meant to fulfil or satisfy us:
- Outer success
- More money
- People loving you
- Looking beautiful on the outside
- Being thin
- Having perfect skin
- Helping others
The list just goes on.
How many of those of us who suffer from depression are spiralling into the centre of our own being for a reason, not to leave this world, but to become more alive?
What If The Darkness Is A Powerful Route IN?
What if the darkness is our route into the true heart of the matter that the only thing that matters is a deeper connection to the Divine, to Life, to Love, the pure connection to ‘all that is’?
What if depression is meant as the route into our human heart?
As I write this, the intuition is flowing through… my old style of healing writing is bringing forth the answers to the darkness that has been wrapping me in its black shawl.
Like many of my teachings in my books, on Shining Bright Radio, on my Podcast for the Soul… I have forgotten that the darkness is a gift but we sometimes need to feel buried before we feel planted into a new spiral of inner growth.
So right now, if you are feeling like I’ve been, consider that this is not something to rid yourself of, but something in you quietly calling you inwards to your own heart, your own soul.
Because in reality, nothing outside of us can fill the void where depression is felt. And even death doesn’t fill that void because we will simply choose to do it all over again in another lifetime so why not learn and discover now instead?
So, when you are drowning in painful depression, wonder with a simple curiosity, does it feel like all outer acts of fulfilment are disappearing because your soul wants you to find a more enriching form of fulfilment? A deeper sense of both belonging and honouring?
I think this is why my dark night has arrived…
Choose life please.
Don’t take yours.
As much as you feel nobody will miss you, somebody will. I promise you.
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