As a guy, how can I rekindle the sex my partner and I used to have?
Written by Michael Doherty the author of the ‘I Ching: A Unique Intepretation of The I Ching‘
As men, how can we support our partners who have been through difficult stuff and don’t enjoy sex anymore? It can be uncomfortable, even painful for them.
What sort of difficult stuff?
It could be:
- sexual abuse.
- difficult childbirth.
- internal examinations,
- smear tests.
- the Lletz procedure (especially if there were complications).
- fitting of a coil.
- routine pelvic examinations.
- more serious operations.
And remember, when all this stuff’s going on, she’s in the same position as when she’s experiencing pleasure, flat on her back, legs akimbo.
It would be great if that position, among others, was always associated with pleasure, but it’s not. More often with embarrassment, discomfort and pain.
And most of these procedures are really a form of rape. Strangers’ fingers, hands, metal tools, scalpels, all being forced into a very delicate, soft, vulnerable place that defines who she is as a woman.
Try to imagine those fingers, hands, scalpels etc. being forced into your delicate, soft, vulnerable place.
How Are We Different?
Guys have a body, with some dangly bits stuck on the front – not really a part of us. We use them to pee through and hopefully to poke around in their delicate, soft, vulnerable places. And when we’ve ‘finished’, no longer interested, we want to roll over and have a kip, or go off up the road to find the next one.
This is our basic nature. This is why when a guy is caught cheating, he’ll say, ‘It didn’t mean anything’. He means it, but don’t expect a woman to understand that, because when she has sex, she actually allows another human being inside her body. It’s a big deal. Much more significant than for a guy.
And this is what she does when she undergoes the difficult stuff I mentioned above. She allows another human being, often more than one, inside her body, because she’s got no choice. But, with you, she must have that choice. You must give her that choice. What’s the point in having sex with someone who doesn’t want it, or who only experiences pain because of it.
And we don’t realise another difference. I’m sure you’ll have noticed that women generally can have more intense orgasms than guys. This is because, ‘down there’ she has twice as many nerve endings as you. Twice as much pleasure, but also twice as much pain.
So, What Can We Do?
You want to get back to the time when she trusted you and wanted you. It may take time, but it’s worth the effort.
First of all, give up the idea that you’ve got any right to have sex with her. You haven’t. It’s a gift, and an amazing one.
Stop making demands. Stop having expectations. If you’re feeling horny, sort it out yourself, don’t expect her to do it.
Your job is to give her what she needs and wants, and nothing more. Ask her before you do anything, before you touch her anywhere. She needs to be able to relax, to trust you, knowing that you won’t do anything unexpected, anything she doesn’t want.
It’s got to be about her, not you. You may wonder what’s in it for you. From experience, I can tell you that if you do this, you’ll be amazed at how your relationship changes for the better.
You mustn’t suddenly lose it and get angry and demanding, or you’ll be in a worse position than before.
Trust that you will get your pleasure from putting her needs first. And she’ll think all the more of you for doing that.
There’s another difference between men and women which is important to realise.
As a guy, your erotic zone is pretty much limited to your dangly bits, but for a woman, her erotic zone is her whole body.
So I suggest you start off by offering to give her a massage. Get some massage oil. Sweet almond oil is good (but not if she is allergic to nuts). Sunflower oil is also good.
Stick to her upper back, shoulders and arms to start with, and always ask her what she wants.
You’ll be able to progress from there as she gains confidence that you won’t force anything. Let her trust build and tell her that she can say ‘Stop’ at any time.
It’s not going to be easy, but trust me, it will be worth it.
Finally we must talk about HPV
HPV infections are usually temporary and clear of their own accord. . If you or your partner are diagnosed with an HPV-related disease, there is no way to know how long you have had HPV, whether your partner gave it to you, or whether you gave it to your partner. It is not necessarily a sign that one of you is having sex outside of your relationship.
A Woman’s Perspective
By Kelly Martin, the owner of this blog.I am the woman Michael describes above. I have experienced painful uncomfortable sexual penetration by men pushing inside of me when my body was not lubricated enough.
I am the woman who didn’t think I deserved pleasure so I mainly was giving all of the time.
I am the woman who just let guys continue until they were finished, because it was easier than saying how I felt.
I am the woman who had the terrifying experience of what is termed ‘pre-cancer’ CIN 3 in my cervix and along with the emotional trauma, the overwhelming experience of a Lletz procedure followed by a complication that led to severe blood loss and 4 hours without pain relief while metal objects and other things were inserted into my vagina until I nearly passed out.
AND I am not unusual or unique, many women experience this, probably your own partner has had similar if not worse.
Imagine 4 hours a doctor inserting an object into your ass or penis without pain relief. Imagine having part of your penis removed. This is how the LLETZ operation feels.
If you are in a loving relationship, listening to your partner’s body is essential. Listen to your partner’s words. Ask if her body is still in trauma, what can I do to help her release this trauma?
For me it takes a caring man to take it slow.
It takes a caring man who does this for my benefit – not his own.
And this will improve your overall relationship with your partner, how could it not?
By respecting, honouring and showing her you care enough to sacrifice your needs until she feels safe enough for penetration is deep love.
What can you do?
- Massage her back, her legs, near her vagina, but don’t go to the vagina unless she says YES PLEASE.
- When you go to her vagina, gently massage, do not insert your fingers until she says YES PLEASE.
- Her body will also tell you. Get to know your partner’s body. If you do not know when her body wants touch you have some work to do because it’s essential for a loving relationship to get to know her body.
- Let her emotionally feel her feelings. When you touch her in her delicate areas, she may cry because of fear or sensitivity or pain. She may also cry because you are doing this with love and absolutely no expectation and many women haven’t had such tenderness. And if she cries, she may want you to stop so she can process the feelings coming up.
This will not work if you do this with the expectation for blow jobs, hand-jobs or sex.
Do this as if you were her loving therapist. Book in a session or two each week and light a candle, run her a bath, let her know you are committed to making this work and helping her heal.
The results will be she will trust you, she will love you more and when she is ready she will give you so much more.
Pleasuring a woman is not just a means to an end.
Pleasuring a woman is the journey of beautiful loving interaction and connection.
Otherwise she could be anyone.
A great man will take time out to understand.
A great man is patient and considerate.
A great man won’t give up but will see if he can make things better for his woman.
BE THAT GREAT MAN!
This is not some made up story, this is true for many women you’ll meet.
Porn movies are false, the porn industry is all about control of woman and pleasure for man. We need so much more than what you are shown.
If you want love and not just a quick f*ck, start to care and consider everything.
And if you threaten to leave your partner because she’s not giving you what you want, after childbirth, after operations, after abuse, ask yourself if you are giving her what she needs.