It is said the fear of dying is behind all fears and it probably is. Yet for ‘me’ it’s not so much a fear of dying but more a fear of not living. I am writing this blog entry to objectify a rather unpleasant series of dreams I had last night. I dream very vividly, write them down and interpret them. This series felt like I needed to get them out of me to heal, balance and make peace.
In one of the dreams I was bitten on the finger by a spider. I woke up groaning as I really felt the spider’s bite on my finger.
In the second dream I was in hospital. I was either given the news or already knew I was dying.
A woman came up to me and said she felt I should go for a walk outside. I told her it was a good idea but I would need to get my friends to come with me or else the nurse would not allow this. I also had this vivid feeling of gathering white candles together and writing inscriptions on them (something I have been doing lately in ritual during the equinox and moon cycles). I spent time looking for wrapping paper to wrap them in to give as gifts to friends and family so that when I was gone they could light them and the candles would remind them of me. I had an intention to give one to my friend Ruth who actually died recently (she was in her 60’s). It was all very ‘the end of life’ feeling and it felt really hard.
Screaming At Death
In another dream I dreamt I was in my Mother’s bathroom up north. This is where my father died. I was shouting in anger to someone about the unfairness of it all. I was screaming that it was unfair that the universe had the ability to choose for me – when I would die and what about ‘ME?!!’ I guess I meant the personality me I know, the me with all the experiences and memories etc etc.. I said how I would choose to have at least another 40 years or more and I was angry at being ripped from my body before I had experienced all the things I wanted to experience in life. This was really painful.
And in another dream (I think there was others lots more dreams) I was standing at the door and my landlord’s wife came to the door (I thought it was my landlord’s wife) and I realised it was not my landlord’s wife but her daughter and she looked as old as her mother. She said to me “Kelly. do you want me to take you ‘home’?” I told her no thanks as I wanted to walk home. I then started thinking in the dream why would she want to drive me home when I was already living in my home? I now realise it could have meant ‘home’ as in back to non-physical.
So this morning I woke up a little watery, a little disturbed. Recognising the deepest fear arising at this time is the fear of missing out on life’s plethora of experiences..
And yes, I am consciously aware that my ‘mind/ego’ knows not how to make the changes. It just likes to throw me those fears every now and again to keep me on my toes.
Now – right now – is where I am. Learning to appreciate my life as it is and this is probably a very big threat to the ego wanting to catapult my thoughts into the future. My ego shouting at me “You cannot enjoy NOW! What about the future! Are you planning on this existence forever! You will die unsatisfied and unfulfilled!”. And so the ego would indeed die in those circumstances – the ego does die to the present moment – it has no hooks or lines to attach to. It is scary to embrace the perfect now moment and accept and trust life is in a constant state of change as nothing ever remains the same.